sad facts

this is just another experience i had from yesterday.

i came out with a few words to describe how i feel.

knowing the fact that someone you miss is missing someone else is miserable

and

knowing the fact that someone you are in love with is in love with someone else is hurt

so, i feel really terrible :'(

bulan ini....

bulan ini bulan agustus
bulan ini bulan ramadhan
bulan ini saya emosional
bulan ini saya labil
bulan ini saya lelah
ini masih awal bulan tapi saya sudah merasakan banyak hal

saya senang saya emosional
semakin banyak rasa
semakin banyak kata
semakin besar kemungkinan saya berkarya
tidak sebagus orang banyak
tidak sebagus orang yang menginspirasi saya untuk berkarya
tidak sebagus kebanyakan orang disana
saya hanya mengucap kata
saya hanya merasakan
saya hanya memadukan

beberapa kalimat singkat
banyak emosi yang tertuang
kata-kata yang sederhana
mungkin bukan unsur istimewa sebuah tulisan
tapi bagi saya
sekarang semua sama
berapa panjang
apa kata-katanya
sama

yang penting emosi di dalamnya
yang penting saya berkarya
yang penting saya berlatih

tired

it's just started

and i'm tired already

how am i supposed to deal with these stuffs? there is a lot of things going on and i don't know when i can stop. it's like when i do something fun, i don't feel tired. and after that, i'm sick without me knowing

it's weird huh? yes it is

single ladies

long time no write. lama banget ga buka blog. sibuk sih. kalo ga sibuk tugas, sibuk main internet lainnya, atau sibuk mengembalikan energi (baca: tidur). well, gua buka blog kalo ada yang perlu gua ceritakan saja. walopun kurang penting, tapi setidak nya bisa meringankan sedikit beban gua kalo lagi sedih, dan bisa membuat gua merasa berbagi ketika gua senang :)

jadi, hari ini dan kemarin itu adalah hari sabtu dan minggu seperti biasa. bedanya, gua menemukan sesuatu yang mengganjal. dan itu adalah... i'm in love. hahahah. ga si, ga love juga. tapi suka. beda bukan? sulit dikatakan siapa mengapa dan bagaimana tapi itu yang ada. tp haruskah gua membentuk emot :))) atau :'((( karena tidak mudah menggapai seseorang hahaha mungkin gua uda gila dan UP. matilah

oiya, belakangan ini, si kak levi lagi nyoba2 nari single ladies! hahahha lucu sih pas liat dia nari. gua sampe ngakak. ckckck good luck kak levi! hahaha :D

and for songs, i'm listening to Glee - What It Feels Like For A Girl. i'm addicted to Glee's songs! aaaww.

smile :')

i'm sorry.

i am really sorry.

i'm sorry, friends. best friends.

maybe i have been strange lately.

i have a reason for acting strange

but i won't tell

sorry to make you all confused

but, i just want to be alone.

let me deal with it on my own

because trying to cheer me up is not the best way

it makes me feel like i'm the worst friend ever

because i won't tell anything to you

if you asked me why

i will answer

" i'm tired "

because i am tired

thanks for being such a nice friends :')

oh, and for stefani emanuella. i think you're right. i can never smile when my heart is crying and screaming. i was wrong to sing "smile" by charlie chaplin to myself. the song brings me even more sadness

somebody's me

that song matches my feeling

that song reminds me of you

that song says what i want to say to you

i know that song because of you

i like that song because of you

i love that song because of you

and i sing that song, because of you

just one thing i really want to say

I MISS YOU :'(

tak akan terganti

meski waktu datang dan berlalu sampai kau tiada bertahan

semua takkan mampu mengubahku

hanyalah kau yang ada di relung ku

hanyalah dirimu

mampu membuatku jatuh dan mencinta

kau bukan hanya sekedar indah

kau tak akan terganti

Tak Akan Terganti - KAHITNA

lagu ini mengingatkan saya kepada seseorang yang ada di dalam pikiran saya setiap saat. mengingatkan saya betapa tidak mungkinnya dia menjadi milik saya :(((

kadang menyayangi seseorang yang tidak akan pernah menyayangi anda, itu menyakitkan.

taking chances

aduh gue stress sekarang gara2 mid. uda ada mid ditambah bi ditambah mid. aduh aduh aduh. pusing. uda malem. tapi gue masih berkutik di depan laptop nyalain itunes dengerin lagunya glee sambil baca pkn dan sebentar lagi akan ada kertas mat di tangan gua. yaa karena bosan dan sepertinya malam ini gue akan tidur pagi, maka gue akan membuat waktu senggang yang sebenernya ga senggang. gue mau ngepost ini dari kemaren cuman berhubung kemaren gue abis pelantikan dan perpisahan MB cape, jadi sampe rumah gue mandi langsung tidur. hehehe kebo abis

jadi begini sodara sodara, gue lagi suka sama satu lagu. enggak sih. enggak satu. ada banyak. nah lagunya tuh dari glee gitu. judulnya taking chances sama true colors. kalo true colors menurut gue artinya biasa aja cuman keseluruhan artinya bagus. makanya gue suka. kalo yang satu lagi, ini yang gue lebih sering nyanyiin dan menurut gue gimana banget gituu.

di lagu taking chances ini ada liriknya yang gue sukaaaaa banget.

don't know much about your life

don't know much about your world

don't wanna be alone tonight

on this planet they called earth

you don't know about my past and

i don't have a future figured out

and maybe this is goin' to fast

and maybe it's not meant to last

itu adalah lirik lagu yang menyentuh menurut gua. hahaha. dan yaa a little bit familiar with me. hehe. but overall, lagunya emang bagus kok. hahaha. hal ini belakangan ini sering terjadi pada gue. yaitu suka sama lagu cuman gara2 beberapa liriknya doang. abis nya gimana yah, kalo didengerin lagunya emang ternyata bagus dan enak didengar.

ini lirik lagu sepenuhnya

Don’t know much about your life.
Don’t know much about your world, but
Don’t want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don’t know much about my past, and
I don’t have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it’s not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there’s solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say? (2x)

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there’s solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say? (2x)

And I had my heart beating down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do, like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there’s solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say? (2x)

Don’t know much about your life
And I don’t know much about your world.

nah sekarang gua harus mulai star belajar lagi. uda nguap2 nih. kekurangan oksigen. masih ada pkn bab4. dan mat yang sangat 'seru' menanti untuk dikerjakan. hahaha. anyways, wish me and my friends luck! we'll need it tomorrow :DD

nb: gue mau ngepost ttg pelantikan dan farewell kmrn cuman ntaran yah kalo uda ga mid. abisnya rame nih. hahahaha. belom belajar pkn pula. aduh.

tau ga si??

tau ga si yang namanya cape? gue cape. cape fisik, iya. cape hati, lebih iya lagi.

fisik gue lagi drop, sakit2an, pusing2an, uda di limit, dan kalo sampe melebihi mungkin gue bisa tifus (lagi).

cape hati, banget. belakangan ini nangis mulu kerjaannya. mikirin sesuatu sampe nangis dan itu cape. uda cape dibikin tambah cape. tapi setidaknya agak lega. sebenernya mungkin gaperlu nangis, cuman gue uda cape jadi gabisa ditahan lagi.

tau ga si rasanya gapunya temen? mungkin gue tau rasanya. disaat lo lagi bener2 butuhin sahabat lo, dia ga ada. atau lebih tepatnya gue gapunya sahabat. temen deket gue ada banyak (7 orang sih), tapi gue gapunya sahabat. adapun yang gue bisa jadiin sahabat karena dia memang bisa ngerti gue dan selalu dengerin cerita gue tapi dari sisi gue, gue gabisa ceritain bener2 semua masalah gue ke dia termasuk yang paling gelap. ada satu orang yang emang bisa gue jadiin tempat curhat, gue bisa jadi diri gue sendiri di depan dia dan gue bisa bener2 terbuka dan jujur sama dia tentang apapun termasuk bagian gelap gue. hanya saja, dia uda punya sahabat. dan dia gaselalu ada pas gue lagi butuhin dan gue gaenak. jadilah, gue gapunya sahabat. mungkin bukan karena gue gamau, cuman maap aja gue agak selektif. berdasarkan feeling. kalo feeling gue bilang gue harus cerita maupun bisa cerita ttg apapun yang rahasia besar ke tuh orang, pasti gue akan cerita. tapi kalo enggak, ya enggak. butuh temen tapi kok gamau cerita sama temen deket? gue sendiri juga bingung.

tau ga si rasanya sakit? bukan cuman sakit fisik. tapi sakit hati. gue sangat tahu rasanya. karena gue sangat pandai dalam merasakan sakit hati yang berlebih. hal ini muncul karena kebiasaan gue dari sd untuk merasakan hal yang paling pahit sekalipun untuk dijadikan inspirasi buat puisi. jijay sih memang cuman beneran. daripada gue gada ide hahah tapi sekarang malah kelewatan. jadi ke lebay an. dan susah dikontrol. masalahnya cuman satu. orang yang sama . penyakit yang sama. cuman .kok susah disembuhin ya? gue juga ga ngerti. padahal gue uda ga ketemu semenjak sekitar setengah tahun lebih. dan gue gakenal. gue pernah bilang sama tannia. gue pengen sakit. gue pengen banget ngerasain sakit seperti yang orang2 rasain. sakitnya bukan sakit yang biasa kayak flu atau demam. tifus(lagi) kek atau demam berdarah atau apa yang penting parah. selain penasaran, siapa tau sakitnya itu bisa melebihi sakit hati gue. jadi gue bisa melupakan sakit hati gue dan fokus pada sakit gue yang lebih perlu diperhatikan itu. agak gila sih, biasa orang minta sehat gue malah minta sakit. tapi ntar kalo gue minta sakit atau gue sampe sakit agak susah juga sih, abisnya gue uda sekolah di sanur dan akan sangat menyulitkan jika gue sakit di tengah2 hari intensif karena akan sangat merugikan. hmm

tau ga si rasanya lelah? gue yakin semua anak sanur tau apa itu lelah. kita semua lelah buat tugas yang bejibun yang bertumpuk yang segudang yang banyaaaaak banget. kita semua lelah belajar buat ulangan yang berjejer di agenda yang uda mendaftar dari minggu ke minggu yang ada dua kali sehari belum ditambah remed segala macem. lelah pikiran karena kebanyakan belajar, lelah fisik karena tidur ampe malem, lelah hati cape melihat tulisan ulanganulanganulanganulanganulangan di agenda. gue juga uda mulai cape nih, mana masih banyak tugas haduhhaduhhaudh. besok mid jepang. padahal kemaren sabtu baru ulangan. tapi setidaknya gue masih inget jadi gaperlu belajar dari tengah, tinggal awal sampe tengah doang. belakangan ini kehidupan di sanur dipenuhi dengan kataa lelah dan cape. karena apa? karena ulangan mengantri, begitu pula dengan kelas lain.

setelah banyak keluhan itu, gue punya beberapa kejutan. ga kejutan sih, kejutan bagi diri gue sendiri. nilai-nilai gue di semester dua ini.. gada beda dari semester 1. bahkan lebih jelek. dulu semester satu awal nilai gue gemerlap, bersinar uda kayak bintang, 8 8 8 8 7 7 8 8 bahkan ada 100! sekarang boro2. pertama kali dapet ulangan (baca:kimia) dapetnya berapa?? 49 :\

beda banget sama ulkimia gue paling pertama. ckckck. seumur-umur gue cuman dapet kimia 100 pas awal itu aja kali ya. setelah setelahnya gue mengoleksi angka 5 dan 6 bahkan 4! itu yang dapet 49 kan persamaan reaksi kimia, berasa bego ya bahkan gue gatau salahnya dimana hahaha kayaknya ga teliti dan waktu itu gue gangerti cara langsung. dan lu tau pas remed hasilnya berapa? 90. omg coba otak gue uda di servis sebelom ulangan. pasti tidak akan jadi begitu. :[

tapi di samping nilai jelek itu ada juga nilai bagus. waktu itu dibagiin ulangan bio, sosio dan bahasainggris listening. bio ya boleh lhaaa. sosio ngga banget deh gabisa masuk ips gue kalo nilai gue kurangnya secuprit gitu melulu. pasrah sih gue juga seneng bisa masuk bahasa! :D lalu bahasainggris gue, bagus. listening itu ga sesusah writing kayak reported speech tadi. gue daftar duluan deh buat remed reported speech. hmm. tadi dbagi ulangan religio, yah bagus. akhirnya gue menemuukan angka 9 di tempat lain selain bhs inggris dan olahraga. lalu, ekop gue jelek banget ke laut aja gue. akun belom nih! penasaran! bu tutiii uda 1 bulanan ni buuuuu saya penasaraaaan. geografi, belom dibagiin tapi gue uda tau nilai gue pasti amit2 deh jelek banget. ckck. pkn uda remed dan untungnya lolos dengan nilai lumayan (karena soalnya mirip sih. dan ga lucu ya masa gue lupa kepanjangannya BPUPKI????) untuk pelajaran lainnya, ada beberapa yang gue siap remed dan ada beberapa yang gue bisa menaruh harapan. seperti mat d3. gue berharap nilai gue ga jelek2 amat. 65 cukup lah. itu uda lumayan karena selama ini paling gabisa mat.

music is another way to say you're brokenheart

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

itu lagunya beyonce yang judulnya halo. belakangan ini gue seriiing banget dengerin ini lagu, dan seringkali nangis karena mikirin seseorang. apalagi pas denger bagian yang gue tebelin itu. haduh. banjirr.

anyway, ada banyak cara untuk mengartikan bagian favorite gue itu. dan gue sendiri juga ga ngerti yang mana yang bener. apakah artinya adalah sakit? atau artinya adala memang sudah seharusnya seperti itu?? atau bukan keduanya? i have no idea

i'm sorry, but i've tried

finally, gua lega bisa jujur sama temen gua. hahahah. gaenak sih. cuman at least gua uda jujur. dan gua ga muna sama dia :)
maaf yaa maaf banget gua pernah muna

in (: and not in the mood :(

hei! gua lagi rajin2nya ngeblog nih hahaha abisnya kayak gada kerjaan padahal kerjaan gua segudang. cuma gua malas jadi yah begitulah. okeh. let's begin.

belakangan ini mood gua sedang labil. yang gua bilang labil yaaa bener2 labil. bisa tiba2 sedih gara2 banyak hal dan bisa tiba2 seneng karena suatu hal. see the difference? :)

tapi yang jelas sih hari ini (hari minggu) gua sedang lumayan senang dan sedih. always i have this kind of mood lately. senang karena suatu hal dan sedih karena banyak hal. seperti yang sudah gua bilang tadi. berbeda bukan? antara suatu dengan banyak. okeh mulai ga penting

jadi gua tuh lagi seneng banget sama MB. entah mengapa gua lagi pengen banget MB dan menurut gua MB ada hal yang paling menyenangkan untuk di lakukan belakangan ini. mungkin karena kita main lagu terus, lalu ngerapihin dan ngebenerin terus2an jadi gapernah bener gitu. ckckck. nyebelin sih kalo sabtu pasti mainnya lebih bagus, gara2 ada kak ilham. tapi kalo rabu, he he he. don't ask. tapi kemaren (sabtu) gua seneng karena kan ada kak ilham trs kita kayak ngebenerin at the end sama lagu lain. trs roll segala macem dibenerin dan akhirnya pada saat nyoba overture, kami dibilang lumayan! ehehehe gua sih seneng yah cuma ya gitu setiap kali latihan sendiri bagus *err lumayan, trs pas gbungan pasti kacau. tadi parah. berasa kering :\

lanjut yang kedua. gua sedih. karena banyak hal.
1. nilai gua men anjlok abis parah paraaaah omg
2. gua baru sadar gua gabisa secepet dan segampang itu ngelupain 'dia'

nih ya gua akuin memang belakangan ini gua superoverjarangbanget belajar. karena apaa. gua suka ketiduran. kondisi fisik sedang tidak mendukung. malahan menjerumuskan, bukan ga mendukung lagi. jadi ya begitulah. gua pulang ke rumah, mandi, makan, beresin buku, mau belajar eh tapi malah ketiduran. ckckc. parah dan harus dibenerin. yang menyebalkannya, nilai gua masa rata2 yang jelek2 tuh kayak 5 semua gitu sih. rese. rese!

lanjut ke yang lebih serius. gua sedih. beneran deh. kayaknya susaaah banget gitu ngelupain orang kayak 'dia'. padahal dia aja gapernah mikirin gua kali. aduh ke laut aja deh gua. dan gua terlalu cepat mengambil kesimpulan, emang sih gua suka sama orang lain, cuma ternyata gua suka sama orang lain bukan berarti gua gasuka lagi sama dia. setelah gua melihat beberapa fotonya, gua jadi inget lagi dan gua balik ke yang dulu. sedih deh. gua menyedihkan banget sampe segitunya. i hope no one knows who this person is. sebenernya ada orang yang tau tapi cuma satu. hahah jadi kalo sampe ada yang lain berarti, gua terlalu vulgar ngmgnya. ckckck.

-ku ukir namanya di lembaran kehidupan yang tiap hari ku jalani. bertahun-tahun terasa menyedihkan bila diingatkan kepada banyak memori. dia di nyata dan dia di mimpi. sudah terlalu penuh dirinya menempati setiap relung di hati sehingga sulit bagi orang lain untuk singgah. sekarang aku harus belajar untuk melupakannya. belajar melepaskan semua angan dan mimpi yang pernah aku rajut di keseharianku. menghilangkan dirinya dari tiap nafasku. dan berlari mengejar hidup yang lebih bermakna tanpa dirinya. namun tak secepat itu. aku tidak mampu- :(

buat seseorang

You, do you remember me?,
Like, I remember you?
Do you spend your life, going back in your mind to that time?,
Cause I, I walk the streets alone,
I hate being on my own, and everyone can see that,
I really fell, and I'm going through hell.
Thinking about you with somebody else.

Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody cant breathe, without you it's lonely.
Somebody hopes that one day you will see, that somebody's me.
That somebody's me. yeaa...

How, how did we go wrong?
It was so good, and now it's gone,
And I pray at night, that our path's soon will cross.
What we had, isn't lost.
Cause you are always right here in my thoughts..

Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody can't breathe, without you it's lonely.
Somebody hopes that someday you will see,
That somebody's me. Oh yeah...

You will always be in my life, even if im not in your life.
Cause you're in my memory...

You, when you remember me?...
And before you set me free, oh listen please...


Somebody wants you,
Somebody needs you.
Somebody dreams about you every single night.
Somebody cant breathe, without you it's lonely.
Somebody hopes that someday you will see, that somebody's me.
That somebody's me.
Somebody's me...
That somebody's me...
That somebody's me...

(enrique iglesias - somebody's me)

:'(

hari ini yang pastinya sangat melelahkan. gua banyak bersedih dan sedikit bersenang hari ini.

seneng ya pastinya karena ketemu teman lalu bercanda dan itu yang bisa bikin gua bangkit dari keterpurukan gua. temen. kalo sedih ke temen. tapi kalo sedih gua over yaaa gua tetep sedih. hehehe. cuma hari ini ya lumayan lah gak gitu menyedihkan itu sampe gua kayak desperate kayak biasanya.

tapi, hari ini gua supersedih. i really really miss my grandpa. really.
tadi pagi, nyokap bawa laptop dan CD. trs dia mau muter slideshow foto2 dan lagu nya kakek gua di laptop. ini pas di mobil nih. jadi sambil nyetel gua juga liat dong. oke itu gua uda nahan2 mau nangis. trs pas foto kedua dari terakhir ada foto kakek gua lagi senyum ngadep kamera sambil dadah gitu. gua uda sedih, gua kangen senyumnya kakek gua. trs ga lama kemudian, foto terakhir muncul. foto nisan nya kakek gua yang gua foto sendiri. dan foto nisannya itu muncul di bagian akhir slideshow pas lagunya mau abis. gua ga tahan lalu gua ngadep ke arah lain sambil nahan nangis. dan berhasil.
trs pas pelajaran geo. si pak hari nyinggung2 tentang gunung merapi, jadi mbah marijam, jadi binatang tupai dan segala macam. lalu gempa di jogja. pada tanggal 27 mei 2006. that was the day after my grandfather left. dan gua keinget lagi sama kejadian 3 tahun yang lalu hari dimana kakek gua pergi, dan gua lagi di sekolah. i'm sure i've told this to my bestfriends. okeh balik. dan pak hari dengan tanggal 27 mei 2006 nya itu mengingatkan gua *lagi*.
nah abis itu, kan nyokap gua ke rumah gua yang lama alias rumah kakek dan nenek gua buat nujukin slide show itu. trs gua ngeliat lagi. dan gua mendengar nyokap ngmg 'di semua fotonya papa senyum terus ya'. dan adik gua menambahkan 'yah sekarang gada yang ngmg "bagi doong" lagi deeh'. karena dulu kakek gua suka godain gua sama sodara2 gua kalo lagi makan gitu. trs gua langsung kangen. trs tiba di foto yang sama, yang dia lagi senyum ngadep kamera dan dadah. trs di foto nisan nya lagi, gua nangis. gua sok2 sibuk nyingkirin piring uda gitu gua ke atas. ke tempat sodara gua. tia dan anggina. trs gua cerita. dan gua nangis. huhu. kangen banget soalnya.

udah lamabanget gua ga nangis tentang kakek gua. dan sekarang susah berenti. ngingetnya kayak nyesek. tapi gua gapernah ngerasa kehilangan. ya kerasanya kayak kakek gua masih ada. makanya selama ini gua gaperna sedih. tapi kalo ngeliat nisannya. gua baru inget. dia udah pergi.

beberapa hari yang lalu, eyangnya temen gua meninggal. dan begitu temen gua tau, dia kayak nyantai. mungkin sedih ya cuma gasampe kayak sedramatik gua 3 tahun yang lalu. trs pas di kelas, dia lagi ngambil tas. gua bilang "do, kalo gua jadi lo, gua bakal naik tangga dengan merangkak dan sambil meraung-raung". and i really mean it. bahkan, yang tidak terduga lagi kalo gua beneran pingsan dan gua gabisa naik tangga. bisa aja loh. ga kebayang deh. amit2. ckckck.


these days gua lagi gabisa berenti nyanyi. gua sedih. lagi bener2 sedih. gua berasa jahat. tapi orang bilang itu ga jahat. gua ga nyalahin perasaan gua tapi gua nyalahin diri gua. agak lebay sih seharusnya gausah sampe kayak gitu. tapi, berasa aneh aja. gua berasa jahat. buaat orang yang berasa gua jahatin, maaf ya. gua ga bermaksud.
kalo ada orang selain orang yang gua maksud berasa gua jahatin juga, maaf, gua gasengaja mungkin hehe :)

saatu kesimpulan yang bisa gua ambil

i cannot stop singing = i'm being emotional

love being sad lately

now, i want to cry. i want to scream out loud. you know why? i feel the way i'm not supposed to feel. i don't want to feel the way that i do. and now, i'm asking to myself. why love is unpredictable? maybe the main question is why now?

i'm sorry i have this feeling. but, i cannot resist it. i like him because i like him. no other reasons. and for my friend, i am sorry. we don't know him. but we like him. so, i'm sorry i've lied.

a few songs i want to sing lately:
- UNTITLED - MALIQ N D'ESSENTIAL (always number one in my chart)
- why do i love you. don't even want to. why do i like you like i do. like i always do.
- night after night i hear myself said. why can't this feeling just fade away. cause no one like you. you speak to my heart
- i don't wanna feel the way that i do. i just wanna be right here with you

most of the songs are sing by westlife.

oh one more. even i love another person. i still miss my firstlove :(

i fall in love

it's been such a long long time since i posted last time. and now, i really want to tell you guys. i'm in love. hahaha. but, unfortunately, i don't know him. so why i fall in love with him?? here's the story

a week ago i attended the event of SMAK1. BL1TZ where i participated as one of the photography participants. i went there with my friends (cindy, tewe, angel, xenia and ika). it was a sunny day and i had to take pictures to complete the tasks for the competition. i decided to take pictures from the basketball game. because i thought, maybe it might be easier because i interested in basketball. it will keep me far for boredom. and when the game started. i see him. that was the first time i saw him.

i don't know how can i say this. i don't want to tell much. because i don't want that person realized. hahahah. maybe i will just let him do his thing and watch him when he does.

maybe, all you have to know is, i like him because he is good at playing the game i love. actually, i like all of his team. they're good at playing the game i love. but, he's different somehow. i don't know. maybe it's just temporary. but i really adore him :D

not in the mood to write :( ko all the way!

long time no see, folks! hahaha. i was kind of lazy to post my daily. but i think, maybe now is the right time to post this.

if you read my previous posts. you'll see how fanatic i am about this one athlete.
his name is ko sung hyun. i like him since the 18th of june 2008. first time i saw him was in the Istora's cafetaria. i wanted to buy some food. that was the first time i saw him. he was in the blue jacket, the Koreans official jacket. he's still 21, i looked at him and i thought he's very handsome. and of course he looked at me too, because my eyes couldn't stop looking at him. maybe, he feels uncomfortable because someone's watching him. hahaha. i was not really looking at him. actually, i'm thinking what kind of food i want to eat, end then when i look at him, i forgot what i want. aaah~ stupid stupid. i don't know his name at that time. i don't know if he's an athlete or just an official. but the 20th of june 2008, i saw him go to the hotel and i was in there. so i asked for his signature *sign*. i'm lucky he's clever. he wrote his name in korean and latin too. so i know his name, i can read. his name "ko sung hyun".
"aah his name is ko sung hyun. okay. i already know your name", that's what in my mind when i recieved his sign. unlike his partner, he didn't give me the latin. he just write in korean, hangul. i don't know his name. but that's okay for me because i like ko sung hyun and not him. the other day, 22th of june 2008. i went to the hotel at 11. i want to say goodbye to kenichi tago, japanese player in men single. but, i was very late, he's already go to the airport when i arrived in hotel. so i just look inside the hotel and take a walk. see some pictures or maybe i should called it paintings. suddenly, i see someone's familiar. and i recognized him. he's ko sung hyun. the athlete in the other day. and so i asked him to take pictures whit me and my friends. i'm so happy. he's very kind. not snoppy. and soo i like him since that time.
the true moment is when he wants to go. and i say "ko sung hyun sarangheyo" to him. and he smiled at me. ah, i want to go as fast as i can at that time. i'm very happy. but, shame on me. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i'm crazy. that's why, i like him very much. but, i can't expect much. because it's not only me who likes him. other girls out there start to like him. i'm sad. i'm jealous. but i'm nothing to him so i'm only his fans. huhu. kind of sad if i remember that thing.

i post this because i have nothing to say and i'm just thinking of him this very time. yonex japan super series is about to over tomorrow. i'm sad he's lose. lost againts indonesia. that makes me a betrayer, because i support him! hahaha but that's okay, i'm still happy that indonesia win. :) go badminton! go ko sung hyun! sarangheyo :D

randomn :)

i had fun these days. especially with my cousins-> my sisters. hehehe. we go to mangdu and i bought 2 CDs. tohoshinki and coach carter. i'm such a bad fan, i've never had any cd's of them (tohoshinki) and now i bought it at mangdu. haha. this is the first time i bought cd about them. congrats to myself. --"
i've been searching for "coach carter" since.. mm maybe last year. the first time i saw the movie, i loved it because it's all about basketball, about teammates and there are so much we can learn from the movie. and now i found it. i'm so happy :)
but, there's one movie i'd like to buy, "taiyou no uta". it's japanese. i saw it in japanese class (extracurricular). i love the story. so i searched for it, and they didn't have it. huhu.

you know, everyday has always been the same topic for me lately. maybe some of you who've read my previous posts will be bored because i've always talked about it. yaaa i just want to share my feelings here, so if you do feel bored, sorry :]
i just want to say this. have you read my previous post: "my top 5" ? i think i made a new top 5. #3 smile's win some scores. hahaha. so i think #3 will switch with #2. maybe, i don't know if i change my mind again. haha. i will tell you if i did. aaaa his smile is killing me! oh no :o

bytheway, i miss playing basketball with my team, i mean old team. hehe. now i'm not the part of it anymore. i'm graduated. i need to get rid of badminton for awhile. i just want to have fun with basketball. maybe i wont play any basketball in senior high school, i want to play badminton, as i always wanted since i was 5th grader. :)

not feeling good

on monday i was talking to my friend about my feelings. she's just go back from retret last sunday (i think??) and she's got fever soo i couldn't talk to her yesterday. and today she's online. if i'm not mistaken, i sent message to her in saturday and i hope that she would reply my message when she got back home. but, she didn't. when i send her message, i'm not in the mood. i'm sad, i'm hopeless, i needed help. but, it's quite a long time so now i'm better. when i chat with her, she asked me why i was sad? she reminded me to my problem. at first, i'm just thinking like 'yaa i'm just answering her question and you cannot think about it again, don't be sad'. but,  my conversation with her brought me back to my problems soo i'm sad. again. i told her what my problem is and i think she's confused too. because i never felt like this before, and niether she was. if you know what my problems are connected with, you know me hahahahah. i think my besties know what my problem is :|

my dreams are weirdo, not me. HAHA :D atleast, it's more weird than me

i had fun this day. haha. i woke up at 10.30, and i got another dream. hahaha. these last couple days, i've got dream. weird dreams actually. but i like the first one. i'd loved it if it's truely happened. hahaha. 

my first dream, is about my idols. lets say, i'm in my room and my idols are in my room too. hahah. what kind of dream is it? i don't know. haha. okay, this is my dream. when i woke up, i saw these two peoples are in my room. the first one is playing my computer and the other one is just standing beside my desk. and then i wake up from my bed and talk to them. it's kinda weird because i can understand their language. and i can talk their language fluently. hmm first i only talking to... hmm lets say #1. sooo, i only talking to the #1 at the first time, but then #3 talking to me too, with different language. and i can understand both language and talk both language fluently! ah i want to understand and talk both language in the real life, but i just cannot, esp #3's. hahaha. after i talked to them, i go out from my room, and i say some kind of greetings from #3's country. and he said that to me too. and that is the end, after i went out my room, i woke up IN THE REAL LIFE because i have to drink milk. aaaaaaaaah my milk ruin my dreaaaam. huhu. i can't blame my maid because she's just doing her duty hehe :p when i remember that #3 said that some-kind-of-greetings-thing to me too, i feel soo happy happy and happy. hahah. but, i think about something. when did i said that some-kind-of-greetings-thing to him before when i met him??? i couldn't remember. hmm no, not couldn't remember. i've NEVER said it to him. aaaah and in a blink of an eye, i realized. IT'S JUST A DREAM.oh why?? :[

my second dream was very very very very weird. i didn't even know what it means and for whatt. this is my dream. i went to a mall. that mall is very perfect. you can find anything there. food, books, clothes, bags, shoes, anything! and it's well-organised. i mean, if you want coffee, there's a place just for coffee and other beverages, and you can choose one of the place to drink. err i can't explain it how but it's crazyy it's perfect. and this is the weird and i-don't-like-it part. the mall is going to close for about an hour, and the one of the restaurant is almost closed. and then one of the waitress offer me doughnut for free, it looks very delicious. but when i want to eat it, my maid woke me up and she said i got call from my cousin. argh, i almost bite it! hahaha. maybe i'm hungry in my dream. HAHAH. but, if my cousin didn't call me, i will sleep all day loong. hahahah. 

flashback about my first dream, i told about my dream to my friend, tannia, and she said that i'm too crazy thinking about #1. so i dreamt about #1. hahaha. maybe that's why i dreamt about #1. things that made me confused is i rarely had dreams before. hmm maybe when i slept, i'm still thinking about #1 and he's in my dream. aaah. i cannot stop thinking about it 24/7 unless i have something more fun like when i swimming with my bro and sisters (read : cousins) hehe. 

this day, i went to manhattan hotel at kuningan with my bro and my sisters. heheh. lets call us "the prans" hahaha. we went swimming at manhattan and it's my favourite place to go swimming because it's often not crowded and windy. haha. i mean the wind is strong there. hahaha. i like it because it's cold. after we arrived in manhattan, we swum for about 5 minutes and start to taking a pictures and pictures and pictures. haha. the point is i'm not like swimming "swimming" but it was more like playing water, i guess. heheheh. it's fun. i can spend my time with my family without thinking about something-that-is-not-in-my-real-life-thing or for short, fantasy ;p